puzzling.

i liked being a part of this puzzle, but opposing forces are always tugging at my brain. and yesterday was hardly a day of adjacement for this puzzle piece. i much rather felt as if my body were going to implode and my scrambled innards would slowly seep from the corners of my eyes, my ears, and my pores. i think even my fingertips might leak from the overwhelming force of emotional pressure.


i want to be more courageous. courage is kate's new years resolution, and it might be mine too. i think we connect and implode on parallel planes, so it makes perfect sense to seek courage in our seperate worlds. perhaps, though, courage should be sought in our little sphere on douglass? regardless, dina says that pluto is shadowing venus right now...which basically means Kate and I, as Tauri, are emotionally fucked.

shadowing susan sontag. for a bit.

the process of reaching a decision regarding moral consciousness is painstakingly slow and terribly taxing. but i don't really mind; i work methodically by nature, so at times i quite enjoy, relish even, the tedious buzz of learning and ultimate comprehension. I just hope that I don't lollygag away this precious time i've been given to explore the rooted issues i have with documentary photography. It's incredibly difficult, this project, specifically because i care, so deeply. incredibly deeply, actually, about the medium and the subject matter. being so carefilled generates polarized fear. deep-rooted, gutting fear of failure...and revelation. both, though it may sound paradoxical, are equally as frightening, and in some instances, possibily one in the same. i want so badly to come to a place where i can either accept or reject the terms of documentary photography with a steady, certain knowledge on the subject. i think it will haunt me otherwise, like a scar from an infected wound i might neglect to avoid treatment. this wound must be treated. and if i scar, i scar with intent and with careful mind.


this man intrigues me: http://www.antonkerngallery.com/artist.php?aid=33 (thanks jamie!)

susan stontag is the only author on my reading list right now. i think its vitally important to focus on her work if i want to effectively, methodically emerse myself in documentary photography. jason says so, and jason is a philosophical photographer i love and hate, both, simultaneiously and wholly. i am baffled by his ability to be so comfortable with discussing issues of atrocity and social responsibility. maybe one day i will reach that enlightened state of acceptance. perhaps. though i will never have his wonderful jewish charm or such a fantasically knowing smile.

check him out: http://web.mac.com/jlfrancisco/iWeb/Jason%20Francisco/FFZ%20contents.html

i love that dinosaurs are still relevant and controversial :-)

bird lizzard pig dog? dinosaur!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7177181.stm

resolute

i think a good "resolution" for me this year would be to listen to my voicemail more frequently.

new year

there are dead flowers, carnations, sitting dry and drooping in a mug at the corner of my desk. they are dead, given to me by a person who i no longer care for. why can't i bring myself to throw them away? why do i keep bookmarks and pieces of scrap paper given to me ten years ago by my aunt kathy, and little wrapped pouches of plastic baby jesuses in a wooden box with gems and jewels and sticks of glue? why doesn't my window keep out the cold gusts of wind flying past it?
i don't know, really. i don't know really how to change these habits. i suppose i attribute too much value to small objects, too much sentiment exists in my life, my cave, my dwelling.
but i've got a few new books to devour in the next few weeks (if i don't procrastinate this precious holiday away).

and here is something that happened to me the other evening as i was walking back to my apartment. it made met think about this place i'm in...mentally, and how it relates to where i live and the people i'm surrounded by. i sent this excerpt to a friend:

cold, cold, cold...shades drawn, it's eleven fifty two am and i am alone. alone with thoughts of death and death of thoughts which scares me more? i'm not really suree but i've been walking desolate streets without body or soul to connect to. i've come to realize why i am here where i am as i walk the streets of cold dark nothing night because the only people who stay here, here as a home, have nowhere else to go, nowhere else to be, let's say, nowhere else to be. junkies and bums and dependent families depend on this place. those walking the streets though, those are the ones who are most lost i believe, most restlessreckless. while the lamplight shines on cold black streets they, us, we are out walking alone with hands in pockets, faces vacant i suppose this description is a bit sad but true so true. i crossed a street with a boy yesterday, in the evening and his head hung low and his shoulders sank to his chest and he was very small to me though actually much taller. i was grateful that his gaze followed the lines of the crosswalk rather than the lines of makeup running down my face from a previous day i can really remember but when he did finally look up at me i knew him i knew his face, though i couldn't place the why and where of it.
he said to me, "i'm kind of lost. could you tell me how to get to college avenue?" lost, that's what it was, the familiar. so i gave him directions and a small smile and kept walking along my deserted path only day old newspapers and the diffused glow of closed shops to keep me company. i should have asked him to coffee or tea-I thought as I shoved my hands in my pockets, trying to warm my fingertips in tight fists-instead of allowing him to wander the dark street of this desolate place. strange souls stay here, remain here when everyone else has gone, scattered certainly and undeniably uncertain. Now, I couldn’t have saved him, surely not, I could never save anybody. I’ve never wanted to play such a masculine role and however indecisive i may be i do not believe that attempting to save anyone does much of anything good. But, I do believe that two lost souls sitting in a warm place with a scalding cup of something would have been better than us parting ways to walk separate empty streets of the same icy city, islolated by the very nature of the place that draws us near, with nothing to look forward to but another collision with another familiar face, two particles haphazardly meeting and departing, with hope in weary, crusty eyes of retaining more than the last time, taking the few moments to speak a few words of kindness that mean anything more than this rotting nothing that breeds endlessly in my chest and stomach.

i know you leave for that place on that day sometime soon.. but i would like to invite you to tea or coffee anywhere anytime before then..


hi. kelly. i miss you.

dukes up.

I'm fighting for it, abstraction that is.

Wish me luck.

But I won't give up hope either. or reject subjectivity; the existence humanity relies on it.

So wish me luck. or join me?

midwest airlines care club

so, i'm sitting in the executive lounge of the milwalkee airport reading the wall street journal wearing a shirt that says: "nothing tips like a cow - wisconsin". kate and i bought matching shirts at the airport store; she's wearing hers too. we also bought semi-matching shirts yesterday at kohl's....perhaps these recent purchases are cause for alarm regarding our personal autonomy and individuality? personally i think its just another case of my sense of humor being misunderstood....which is partly what promotes actions such as these. hahahaaaa. i also invested in a new purse at the airport store, one with elephants and zebra stripes on it (on sale: $9.99!) because my very well loved yellow one was sporting some nasty holes in the faux-leather skin and the interior smelled curiously like cat piss. i even made kate smell it. hahahaaa.

wisconsin is a peculiar(?) but enjoyable place, but i am glad to be leaving. new jersey is my home, no matter how ugly or unfriendly.

kate is calling....time to leave :-)

see you back in the garden state!

cheers.