the pine barrens.

I wish I were getting more sleep because in deprevation of it, I've become quite the cranky little creep.

Regardless, today was a very productive day:
-Kate and I moved into our new apartment off of Nichol (yayayay!),which should swing some much needed positive vibrations our way.
-At work this morning, I successfully taught my first set of classes without assistance (yayayay!);
-Kate, Tim, and I had our first meeting with Detective Hudson to collect information before our first meeting of the tentative "New Brunswick Off-Campus Student Collective." (yayayay!)
-And then, Kate and I made this really awesome outline for the group, along with tentative goals and community events!

I am really excited about this new project. It could potentially be very powerful in uniting the dismembered off-campus community and raising related awareness among students! I'm all about awareness lately, which may parallel my love for processes and furthering comprehension?

Ah. New beginnings are beautiful, aren't they, Kelly? (I feel as if I am most consistantly imagining you as my audience when I write in this blog, and so felt it completely appropriate to address you directly. hehe!)

I'm all moved in (I've even moved Paul from thepinebarrens), hardly packed for Wisconsin tomorrow (eep!), barely comprehending Ireland next weekahhhhhh, and all in all, feeling much happier than in that last post (which I embarassingly deleted) soooooooooo, here it goes. Here life goes, and goes, and "so it goes?" Well, sure it does, but I'm still here aren't I? Breathing and moving (if rather slowly) and tired as hell. Soooo, let's move it out and up and around until I'm facing it all over again.

Dad: "How's the apartment?"

Kate: "Really great, actually."

Dad: "That apartment's nice, man."

Kate: "Yeah, it looks a lot nicer with our stuff unpacked, and with the new floors and everything...."

Oh no. no, no, no! Why does that^ simple conversation give me sudden anxiety? My segmented brain must have cut off one of the parallel streams struggling to flow through it. My stubborn subconscious has silently and maliciously clipped off rationality, thus stunting otherwised syncronized emotion, or visa versa. Fuck. One's rushing to catching up to the other and, oh here it goes...

Oh, and what the hell am I supposed to do about how I "feeeel." You know, when you feel something you don't want to "feeeel", so you throw in a few extra 'e's for emphasis, or to represent the act of speaking past the lump in your throat, or maybe even the act of drawing the emotion unwillingly from your body. perhaps through your belly button?

Regardless, I'm "feeeeling." And it's fucking confusing as hell when you've built an environment around you that does not accept your found emotion because you built it that way. Yes, you. No, not you, but I. I built your environment in opposition, laid the sturdy barracades for myself because it had been so obvious that i had learned from my mistakes. But now, now I have to add two extra 'e's to the feelings at the tip of my brain because I've been nursing an immobile ball of saliva in my throat for so long. I've been nursing inaction because I desperately fear disappointment, though I know any hopes of 'happiness' die within such stagnant pools. I've let a puddle become a small, stagnant sea of hopeless inaction, but no. more. nomore. no more. I will not be afraid, or I will be afraid, and act with a jaw clenched tight and shaking hands.


[I'm not sure when this post became a true inner monologue, mixing "you" and "i" in paragraphs as if I were a being with two talking heads but as a note to the reader(s): I am sorry. I'm just struggling with somethings. Please, bear with me...I swear I'm not the Grizzly sort...or two headed, and anyway, is it really so mental to rant about change?]


Cheers.