remission.

All though chronic anxiety has steadily become a pillar of my life, its intensity seems to be in a remission of sorts:

I had a nice day today, though the heat may have dulled my apparent enthusiasm, and I relaxed enough to truly enjoy my friends, as well as newly acquired company. I am seeing more of a need for unity, and such an idealism comforts my soul in ways that are hard to express without seeming foolhardy. I am constantly trying to stay grounded, or more accurately, trying to find ways to apply progressive thinking practically. I am excited at the prospect of small successes I may have, though I will admit, hardly prepared for any large failure. I need growth for my hope to survive similar to the way that I need air to breathe, and I can hardly stand not to breathe.

Jen and I are organizing a potluck for Wednesday night. Everyone is encouraged to bring music and blank CDs to engage in some sort of "music sharing." I love gatherings like that, where knowledge and food are shared and absorbed; full bellies, full minds! : ]

If only I could gain more clarity, or discover a passion more specific than process and truth, truth being overtly obsolete in such a random, post-modern world.

I hope I am not investing too much of myself into causes and people that will only prove to disappoint. I am always terribly frustrated by my irrational fear of commitment, and paradoxical need for it.

Paul is eating Nutella out of the container with his finger, while holding a wine glass filled to the brim with some blood red cocktail or another. I love him : ] Isn't it funny how endearing a person can be in a compromising moment? One of my favorite feelings comes these moments of endearment, but it is always followed by an incredibly overwhelming sadness. I wish Paul were not always so compromised. Still, endearment has always appealed to me more than glamour or beauty; a crooked smile, a lisp, a geeky-guilty hobby, a quirky gesture, a twitch. There are so many of these qualities, imperfections perhaps, that I find to be the divine essence of humanity, and something I certainly could not live without.

Cheers.